On Coming Out as an Ongoing Developmental Process
The phrase “coming out” typically refers to difficult and often traumatic encounters whereby lesbian, gay, bisexual, and trans people publicly acknowledge their sexual preferences and identifying genders. What makes this challenging is the perception, based on experience, that this news will likely not be well received. No one goes into a closet voluntarily; one is driven there. And the LGBT community is not the only group who are aware of the potential dangers in revealing who they feel they really are.
It’s worth considering that we all have our respective closets in which we seek refuge from the judgements that come our way when we don’t conform. For all of us, what we risk in showing more vs less of who we feel we genuinely are is being excluded from certain aspects of the collective. What we can gain in terms of selective recognition we often lose in terms of overall acceptance. In our need to be accepted, recognized, valued, treated with dignity, we are all more similar than different.
Of course, there are numerous ways to stand out from the group, and the more obvious our non-conformity the quicker, and often the harsher the judgement. How one speaks, dresses, carries oneself all reflect how in or out of synch we are with collective expectations. Less obvious is what we believe in, what our values are, what our particular parts are that make us most recognizable to ourselves.
Becoming who we really are sounds like a good thing to strive for, but what does that really mean? Becoming who we really are describes an ongoing developmental process, not a destination. During one’s life self is contextualized within social environments; family, romantic partners, school, friend groups, work. Whether or not a solitary hermit has a self is an interesting question.
For a queer or trans person, openly expressing their relationship to self and others make them standout targets. The obviousness of their non-conformity in the public arena makes every day potentially harrowing. Those whose appearance and behaviors do not call as much attention, but whose beliefs and sensibilities are not fully consonant with the group, are also faced daily with the pressure to adapt to the general collective vs the urge to reveal their subjective difference.
In childhood we are mostly instructed how to behave rather than how to connect; what to believe rather than how to think. For those whose goal is to get and stay out of the closet, to connect with what is most genuine, most particular, most important to oneself, the process of coming out is an ongoing developmental challenge.
